Despair: A Temporary Feeling

I am relatively certain that another thing, which cancer patients have in common, is the feeling of despair. For me, it is a feeling that comes and goes. Many days I forget that I even have leukemia; I feel pretty darn good and am able to keep up with the tasks, of the day, at hand. Other days, even the simplest things can seem daunting; such as making the bed or doing a load of laundry. On these days, I just force myself to carry on. I make myself put the clothes into the washer and hit start; I drag myself to the dryer and force myself to hang up the clothes; often that is where they stay; waiting until tomorrow or the next day when the sun is shining brighter in my world, and I can and will carry them to the closet.

I don’t know what brings on the feeling of despair; it could be my medication or the fact that I have just been pushing myself too hard. It could be the fear of my cancer becoming stronger and me becoming weaker. It could be the financial and emotional burden upon me and those that love me. Or maybe, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever the cause, I am glad that I realize that this feeling is just a part of having cancer; and that this feeling is temporary.

Throughout my life I have lived through situations that have caused deep despair and always come out on the other side. I am generally a person full of sunshine, hope and optimism with energy to spare. I think that part of the problem is accepting the fact that my “normal” has been changed; and I do not like that change. I do not like my new “normal.” Does that mean that I am no longer full of hope and optimism; no, it just means that some days it is a little more difficult to see the sunshine.

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