Chemo Brain: Just Call Me Scarlett!

Today is one of those days that my brain just is not working. I do not know if it is a medication thing or just plain retarded-ness. It began with my dance practice this morning. We have a competition in three weeks and have three brand new routines to learn. This being sick business has got to stop, as I am starting to freak myself out. Time is a wastin’ and I need to keep on goin’! My brain just could not focus on the task at hand. I was having trouble remembering the rhythms of each of the dances and my footwork. I felt like a “TT” (total tard.)

After my practice I had three hours to kill so I headed to the fabric store. I spent two hours, literally wandering around the store trying to buy some fabric to teach my granddaughters how to sew a skirt when they are with me next week. I found the fabric and then decided that we should make a few T-shirts to go with the skirt, and then I wandered into the craft area in a daze. I began to wonder if I was just in a trance from listening to the woman that was teaching a sewing class in the store. I have never heard anyone talk so continuously in my life; she just went on and on and on. Maybe if I had been in the class it wouldn’t have seemed so monotonous.

It is so frustrating when you know that you know what it is that you are trying to accomplish and yet it seems that no matter what you do, you cannot get it done. Don’t “they” say to just shake it off and get over it? Questions is, how do you “get over it” when you haven’t a clue what it is that you need to get over? See, I told you I was having a bad day, how in the world did I get on this subject?

Anyway, my brain is in a fog and my thought process is misfiring. When revisiting this year, I must admit that most of it has been quite a whirlwind. Maybe my brain is actually just trying to comprehend the fact that I really do have cancer; I really have leukemia. Things are now different.

I was diagnosed very quickly, not ever really suffering from any symptoms. I was thrown right into the hospital for treatment and then sent home on treatment. It all happened so fast that I don’t think that my brain has had a chance to catch up. Maybe the left side is trying to tell the right side something and it just doesn’t want to listen. Maybe I still have residual chemo brain. I wonder if that comes and goes.

I am not a dweller and I do have a unique ability of living in denial, yet taking care of business. Honestly, my mother probably should have named me Scarlett- “I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.”  Maybe today is the day that I should try and reconcile all of this new information…………………..Not! Maybe tomorrow, just call me Scarlett!